I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
