Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize