I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
