wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize