He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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