You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
