You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
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