Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
