So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
