Apparently you make a good broom.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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