i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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