It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
