I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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