Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
