theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
