You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
