If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
