I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
