The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
