I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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