genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
The feeling are messing with the penis
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
