well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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