I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i think i have herpe
just one?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
