I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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