Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
