Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
