everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
