I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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