I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Let the clothes fall where they may.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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