Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
im having a threesome with these popsicles
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Randomize
