Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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