Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
