I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
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