I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Randomize
