My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
