Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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