You can't special order awesome
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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