just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Randomize
