broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
