Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
