I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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