I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
