If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
