dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
