Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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