So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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