Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize