So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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