Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
meet me or not, i'm out of control
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize