seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize