WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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