"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
