o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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