I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
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